Come and follow Me

I woke up early this morning to have a surfing session with my ever supportive swimming and surfing Coach. It’s Saturday and I’m scheduled to usher for today’s service. Service starts at 10:30 in the morning but we have to be there an hour before to fix the place. Knowing I’d have to go to church, I still took some time to get some taste of salt water and a few body pain and bruises. ^_^ After the surf sesh, I went straight to church.

We have a new series at church today and our Senior Pastor lead the preaching. It was about Come – an invitation to experience God for who He is but I am not going to write about his preaching.

When I thought of the word COME, the first thought in my mind is that person is commanding you to come to him. Since my manager no longer sits beside me, he still has to call me over the phone and ask me to come to his station. I would (always) ask him to give me few minutes because I am on the middle of something. At times, he would tell me (on a louder voice), “now”, off course, I cannot refuse him even if I’m busy with something so I have to come to his place at that very moment.

I remember in the book of Matthew when Jesus had his first disciples, the fishermen simply obeyed Jesus when He asked them to come and follow Him.

Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow Me, 

and I will show you how to fish for people!” 

And they left their nets at once and follow Him.

Matthew 4:19-20 NLT

Like Jesus, my manager is placed in a position or in authority where I have to honor and respect him.  He was put in the position where he can command me and assign tasks to me.

Basically, what Jesus said to Peter and Andrew does not only apply to them. They apply to all of us. We are called to be followers of Christ and fishers of men. If we can obey the people that were put into authority; why can’t we obey The Son of God...

Why do we struggle to obey Him?

nini.ph

What on earth am I here for? - knowing your purpose and calling

Some people spend a lifetime trying to find out their purpose in life... It's like finding THE ANSWER to your - what on earth am I here for? I realized I knew it all along.

When I was a kid, I thought being a nun is the greatest way I can serve God and make God known to other people. I also had that dream to live a life in the mountains or in slum areas to serve, educate and take care of the poor and the sick. Now that I have responsibilities, I cannot just walk out of the corporate world. But still, I am hoping that one day I will go back to my home country and go wherever my feet will take me and be able to touch people’s lives by the grace and love of God and (off course) to have some fun like surfing, swimming in the ocean and cliff diving - I hope before I reach 30.

We don't have to be a pastor, an apostle, a nun, a priest, a saint, an evangelist to serve God and make Him known. We just have to live life like how Jesus Christ did. He should be reflected in our everyday lives.. on how we handle our finances (urgh!), our relationship with our family & friends, for some – with their partner/children, and even to strangers and our enemies, on our work ethics, and on how we take care of our body and most especially how we view ourselves... or basically, everything!

A modern day prophet based in USA once shared his experience with us, he was visited by Jesus Christ years ago and Jesus revealed to him on how He is going to use people for His purpose (one of this is the revelation for the cure of cancer), His message goes like this…God will call out people in the media, in the entertainment industry, in politics, in science and technology, in finance or business world to be used for His purpose. You don’t have to be in a church, or be a church servant or a leader to be used for His purpose. He can use you in any position you are in right now. He can use you in your company, your family or circle of friends. This message made a great impact to me since then.

So….. What on earth am I here for?

We actually have one common purpose, and that is…To know God and make Him known in every walk of life. And each of us has a specific calling that leads us to that common purpose.

So, what’s my calling then?

I was having a hard time recently. For me, it was like a battle of the mind, or what you called a spiritual warfare. Some things happened that made me feel helpless. You know that there’s injustice but you are helpless and cannot do anything about it no matter how hard you try, and the last resort is, you just have to give in and move on and move forward. I was full of resentment and I have been continuously asking and praying to God to remove that feeling. I hate that feeling! Good thing I was over it now by the grace of God.

Something came up and I was on the verge of leaving my job. I had even asked my sisters and close friends about it. My sister then said, “what is God trying to reveal to you?”.

If you want to know God’s calling or revelation in your life or decision, it is not instant like a snap of a finger. It will take time, or even no revelation at all or better to say, we have to learn how to discern how God  speaks to us. Do you know that one of my prayers is to know how to discern God’s voice?  

Anyhow, I know God knows and feels the struggle I am in in those few days. I keep on telling myself that I will not be shaken because I am Your child. I might not get what I want Father, but I know that You had prepared something great for me. It seems that this world is unfair, but I know Your promise will remain.

So basically what had helped me these past few days, is prayer, seeking His words and quiet time with Him. Eventually, God revealed something to me and I have faith that it is my calling. I have to hold on to my job because He will use me in that position. So even if I didn’t get the increase, bonus (or get promoted - I am not asking for a promotion by the way) I desired, God will definitely do the increase for me. He will be the one to promote me in His perfect time. It might not be more cash on my hands, but God has abundantly rewarded me of things that money can’t buy. And I am very grateful to Him.

Quiet Time with Him at Elevation Burger shop

I want to tell you also that now my relationship to God has grown tremendously in the last few months, it doesn’t mean that God loves me more than He loves you (He loves you as much as He loves me) or my life’s gonna be good all the time or I am a more favored child. I am actually already favored because I am a child of God. But I know this, that even if I suffer, I am not alone with it because Jesus is with me and I am with Him in His pain.

So when you are called, you have to answer it, even if it means you have to leave everything behind specifically your own desires or “worldly desires”. Otherwise, life might be like what had King Solomon said in Ecclesiastes..that everything is meaningless that is, if you let the worldly desires consume and live your life. (What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? Ecc 1:3 NIV)

My work station with a picture of my sisters and niece.
One of the greatest rewards I got from God...

^{so let me end my post for tonight with this Verse...}
 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2 NLT

nini.ph

... My family

When Life Seems So Blondie – A Beautiful Mess

I found some pictures which were taken 6 years ago and I guess this will be a great opportunity for me to share my thoughts or my word for the day.

I wanted a perfect brown hair so I bought two packets of bleaching product in Divisoria to start with. Knowing that the process will be the same with other coloring products, I did it myself.

Few minutes later, I noticed a burning sensation in my head. I rushed to the bathroom and rinsed my hair with cold water. As I comb with my fingers, strands of hair start to fall down. I combed again with a proper comb and my hair stretched like a rubber until it broke. My hair is damaged, I want to scream and pull out my hair but no. It’s a total mess.

From straight hair, to curly hair, then blondie damaged hair ^_^

I was able to smile and pose still ^_^

I was not able to sleep that night. The very next day, I went to a salon to get my hair fixed. Chop chop! They cut everything that were damaged. I can’t have another dye so I have to stick with the golden hair. I am not a fan of short hair but I am still very lucky otherwise I’ll be walking bald for a couple of months. LOL

We were living in the province and whenever I go out, people would stare at me, okay, my golden, sun-kissed hair. I was so embarrassed with my hair that I bought clips and put on blue contact lenses so I would look more Tisay. I had to wait for a month before coloring it to a darker one so I told myself, I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

In life, we make choices without thinking twice. We live a life for our own desire, for our own happiness, for own satisfaction or what we think is important to us. We make decisions in life with no reference point to God. In the end, we would realize that we have done wrong. We would even come to the point that we question ourselves what we have done wrong, what we should have done in the first place, and what am I going to do now when the damage has been done.

I was in that situation thinking that I should have researched first about bleaching your hair on your own. If I did, I wouldn’t be in that messy situation. But life seems to be like that. We just hit the start button right away without looking first at the manuals. We are so confident that we know it all. Anyway, it says start.

I believe that God created us but I can’t say if He created us with manuals. He is God and He doesn’t need manuals. Yes, God created us but He didn’t create us to become His slaves. He wants us to have a relationship with Him. That’s why we call Him, our Father. He loves us so much that He has given us free will - the freedom to choose and to live our lives. It is up to us if we will conform to the patterns of this world or live a life with meaning. (Romans 12:2 NIV). 

I believe that whatever we do, may it be a bad or a good decision, whether we stick to the manuals or not, or whatever mess we are in right now, there’s always better days ahead. Better days might not be here on this earth, but I know there are better days of life after earth. We can always try to fix our lives on our own but that would only be temporary.

I would sometimes look back on my past, my life before Christ. I know how messy my life was before and at some point I would recall parts of my life or decisions I am not proud of. I can’t tell everything in detail, but I can assure you that no matter how messy our life is, no matter how damaged and broken we are, God wants us and loves us no human being can ever compare and measure. 

Our life could be a mess but we are beautiful in His eyes.

nini perion | nini.ph

Rainbow

Did you ever feel that your day is playing games with you?

Yesterday morning, I woke up around 9 and I was hesitant to go out and have my quiet time at the park nearby because we have to be at church at 11. I also thought that I am going to church anyway so missing quiet time this morning would not hurt. But I have that fire in me and someone’s telling me to go even for a few minutes will be enough. My sister was cooking breakfast for us so I headed to the park with my bag and mat. I guess going back by 10am will give me enough time for bath and dressing up.

While walking near the swimming pool and playground area, I put on my earphones and listened to few worship songs, and I started singing. I placed my mat in the big open space near the trees so I have a shade to cover the not so heat of the sun. It’s winter but it is not as cold compared to last year. I started my quiet time with a prayer.

I was thinking to continue with the book I’m currently reading - Life Without Limits but I took Joyce Meyer’s book instead – Start Your New Life Today, an Exciting New Beginning with God. I haven’t opened this book for quite a while so I can’t remember where I had left of. I opened the page where my bookmark is and I was surprised to see what the chapter is about.

It was a about setting aside time to sit and think about God’s word. That thinking about the Word of God should be a regular part of your daily activities. Then, I felt that tiny guilt in myself.

I remembered that I was thinking twice if I will go out and have a quiet time with Him or not. If only I had woken up early or slept early I wouldn't struggle. God, our Father indeed you make me smile today. You are full of humor. I was not expecting this message from Him, but it looks like He is teaching me a lesson.

I read another chapter and went back to the house. None of them had taken a bath and we have to leave in a few minutes. My sister then told me that we will take the next service which is 2 in the afternoon. I was like, okay no one texted me LOL, I wished I had a longer quiet time.

We have 3-4 hours before we leave and go to church. I didn't want to go back to sleeping LOL. So I took brunch and asked my cutie niece, my sister and my mom to go to the park. I brought my bag and mat with me. When we were there, I saw the sprinklers up and I told myself – quiet time part 2 failure. So tomorrow, I will try my luck. It was almost 12 noon. I played with my niece in the playground area and savor being a child again by riding the swing and playing with other small kids.

January 3, 2014. I had attempted to have an earlier quiet time today but failed. I first took my breakfast and when I am about to go I chatted with my good friend in the Philippines. Our chat took like 30 minutes or more coz’ I told her about the preaching yesterday. I told myself that it’s fine, it was a good opportunity to share God’s word with her.

It was almost 12 noon when I left and I hoped I’d have enough shade. I checked the grass if it’s wet. I remembered the sprinklers yesterday and I believe they won’t be showing up today – watering the grass for two consecutive days would be too much, I saw the grass getting drowned yesterday LOL.

So I placed my mat, put my books out - my faith journal, my pens, my water jug, my prayer and fasting 2015 manual and I think I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready. I turned the music off and was about to start with my prayer. I said I need something from Him, I need His Words.  I was reading Romans Chapter 6 and then to my very big surprise the sprinklers came out. I hurried my things inside my bag, took the mat and kept off the grass. My “moment” was ruined. I was like, hey didn't you see me? Well, I think the sprinklers are automatic.

I headed back home coz’ I am wet, my mat is wet. Then, I saw a playground nearby, no one’s playing, and there’s a shade just enough to place my mat. 

I was so happy, so I placed my mat, put my stuffs out and I did my prayer – finally. I was listening to Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free, a worship mob version where in the end one of the guys proposes to his girlfriend. The first part of the video was a prayer. While praying there were soft sweet voices as their background music and I would hear someone singing in tongues. Then I noticed I was also singing in tongue. I felt His Holy Spirit embracing my full body and wants to explode or scream out. My whole body is being electrified. It was my first time… in my mind – Shocks! Ganoon pala yung feeling

Few minutes later, while I was looking up some verses about fasting, the sprinklers showed up again. I hurried my stuffs in my bag and I am soaking wet because it took me some time to realize that it is happening again. I think it’s time to go home. It’s like the devil does not want me to have my quiet time. Like, I should have gone earlier for real.

While I was walking, I saw a streak of colorful lights. I can’t believe it. I saw a rainbow. It’s my first time to see a rainbow near me. Usually, we would see them up in the sky. I smiled. Indeed, God, our Father is amazing. Amidst the struggles I had earlier, He made me smile by showing me the rainbow. The rainbow as sign of His covenant with us (Gen9:13) and for me, a sign that He loves me – saying that it’s okay my child, you can go, we will have more time together soon.

Despite my battle with the sprinklers, it is still an amazing day for me!

A Glimpse on What on Earth Am I Here for?

I am very blessed to have a great family and great friends. I might not have much money to buy all the things I want… well, I have a lot of riches that money can’t buy.

A week ago, I attended a conference. This is not like the career-type of conference etc. It’s actually a Prophetic Conference. Oh, what is that?

To tell you frankly, I do not have an idea at first. My friend told me to attend that conference and I will be seeing one speaker who would tell me God’s vision in my life. This is really something cool but I did not show much interest until I attended my sister’s church for the first time. I had a glimpse of what prophetic means. After the service, I and my two sisters signed up for the conference.

Me..at the first day of conference
view on my Instagram

To give you an idea about it, our speakers are the so-called modern day prophets. They are called by God to deliver His message for a specific purpose. Their gift of prophecy is not for their own growth or own glory, but to give Glory to God.

So Imagine, you knowing “What on earth am I here for?”.

It was a two-day conference and on the last day, our last speaker was Shawn Bolz. You can search him up on You Tube to know more about him and see how anointed he is. Honestly, I don’t have any idea about him before the conference. So I was totally amazed whenever he calls out people and tells them God’s words or visions for them - what are they about to do in the next months or years and how God will use and bless them for His glory. It was like so precise. He calls out people by their name, or by their birthdate or something relevant to them. After the conference, I began searching him up in You Tube.

I am really amazed. There are no words to describe the experience. I have not experienced this in my life and I don’t have any idea before that this kind of people still exists. I had seen miracles and healing, too. Well, if God can do it before (referring to the Bible), He can do the same today.

I was waiting for Shawn (same with the other speakers) to call me, or say something relevant to me. The session was about to end and still I haven’t been called and given a prophecy. Am I not important to you God? Don’t I have a bigger purpose like them? Then, the conference ended.

You might ask me, am I disappointed? Am I disappointed not having a word or visions through them? - I had thought of the same thing. But if God wants me to know His purpose for me, He will give it in His perfect time. It may be through a gifted person or just simply directly to me.

About knowing my purpose on earth? It’s okay. Like what I have been telling my friends lately, I don’t have to be in a church to be called and be used by God. He can use me anywhere. He can use me in my work place, with my family, my group of friends or simply the people around me.

Few days later, a good friend of mine and sister in Christ said she has a word for me. And I was excited for it. Actually it was two words: Purity and Obedience.

I stopped for a while and think about how it relates to my life. Purity, remain pure until I marry that godly husband God designed for His princess. So basically, my next boyfriend should be my godly husband and we both remain pure until we get married. You know what I mean, err? Obedience, just simply continue being obedient to God.

And she also shared me her devotion which made her think of me…

“God is about wholeheartedness! He does not want your heart to be fractured by you putting your hope and trust in uncertainty—someone or something that He did not call you to or assign to you.

So save yourself the distress. Don’t throw the righteous pearls in your heart to pigs. Don’t let the enemy wear you out, disappoint you, diminish your faith or harden your heart through your own foolish choices. If you do, you will struggle to love the promised earthly husband God has chosen for you.

When we wait on God to fulfill the desires He put in our hearts, we plant a seed of honor, we remain true to Him as our First Love, our First Husband, Our Father, Our Friend, Our Lord. And He will faithfully deliver His promises to you His way.

It’s not always easy to wait. So remind yourself that every seed you plant—good or bad—produces a crop. And you will eat the fruit of it.

Choose to put your trust in God alone.‎”

After reading this, I was teary-eyed and I am really thankful to God not only because of this experience but in every situation of my life. See, I did not have a word during the conference but God used other people to deliver His message to me. This message is straight to the point, true and perfect for all God’s princesses. :)

So... WHY the BIBLE?

This week was a very busy week for me. I stayed late in the office for three consecutive nights. I missed the train the other night and I had to walk for 40 minutes. I was walking with my eyes closed sa sobrang pagod at antok that night. I don't want to take a taxi kasi sayang and walking is my form of exercise anyway. This weekend, I had training in church, watched a volleyball game, went and serve at church and went to the hospital to visit and pray for my friend’s mother. Although my days were full, I was able to do my usual activities like walking and reading spiritual books.

These past few days, I also took some time off with my Instagram and Facebook account. I am still checking the personal messages but not the newsfeed. I have a lot of stuff in my mind to blog about, too. But really, I don’t have enough time. I sleep late like 1 or 2 a.m. and still my time awake is not enough for the things I want and love to do.

So now, I am writing again but not about Maldives. There are few people who are waiting for my next post about Maldives. I will post about it very soon. I hope it will be worth the wait LOL :D

Okay…

I am writing because of the books that I bought and haven’t read yet. Okay, I have read some but haven’t completely read them yet.

I am not an avid reader or patient with finishing a whole book. I was able to finish the Twilight series. Imagine. Those are four books! So, that’s already an accomplishment. I was so hooked at it that I even asked my mother who was working in USA to buy me the hardcover version.

So here are the books that I bought for the past months (or maybe even years???). Some of them I have started already like the Purpose Driven Life, How to be a Secure Woman, and the Five Languages of Apology but haven’t finished yet.

Currently, I am reading Start Your New Life Today by Joyce Meyer and my Quest Study Bible for Teens (okay, I am not a Teen anymore hehehe) and I am still in the book of Genesis. I am taking it slow and I am in love with it. Some people find it hard to understand what is written in the Bible. Some words are too deep and a dictionary will be your next best friend.

This time, it’s different. This Bible is fun to read and makes me want to read more and more each night. I am actually limiting myself to one to three chapters a night. Otherwise, I will be puyat (lack of sleep) because I have to wake up early for work. My normal sleeping hours is from 2am to 7:30am (okay, so alam niyo na bakit lagi ako late sa office).

My Bible has this side column notes which is a question based notes that clarify the meaning of the Bible text/s and the articles below that help explain the practical meaning of the Scripture. It has 3 courses reading plans. I chose course no. 3, Every Word of the Bible which has a time commitment of three years. (Oh my! Three years?!)

Sometimes, the notes and the articles will provide other books /verses in the Bible which I ended up jumping books rather than sticking to one book only. That’s why I would end up more puyat (ehehe) and stuck in Genesis LOL :)

So……… WHY the BIBLE?

There are so many books out there that you will get addicted to and you would want all your free time spent on reading it. ( I cannot blame you if you are one of  them J ) Some books are for knowledge or you need to read it because you need to learn from it like for studying people. Mostly, it’s because of for entertainment purposes. By the way, I started to buy Condé Nast Traveller ME magazine every month (Traveller Wannabe LOL).

So, it started when I was having a Christianly conversation with my sister and my cousin. They opened up about the end of the world and if you read the book of Revelation, you can tell that it is near and is happening. Scary right? They said that it will take 1000 more years for the last days of men (judgment day) and we (me, my sister, and my cousin) are dead by that time.

I am scared. I admit I am bit scared of dying. Still, I don’t have to worry about it or let fear overcome me. Because I know life on earth is just a preparation for an eternal life with our Father and I know I will be saved. (Eph 2:8-9)

I got curious. I want to read Revelation. I want to know the truth. I want to know what I will expect in the next coming years. Off course, I would not jump on reading the book of Revelation without me reading the other books. Otherwise, my blood will run cold. I told myself that I have to prepare my heart and I have to start in the beginning, the book of Genesis.

That night, I was doing my usual steps (walking) very late in the evening; I realized that in my 26 years of existence I have never completely read the Bible. I have read a lot of books (nursing books J) and articles but His Words was not a priority in my reading list. Ouch! Ouch for someone who gave His Only Son to die for our sins and save us from the curse of sin (death!).

One time at church, our pastor spoke about the Grace of God. Yes, God’s grace saves us (Eph 2:8-9) and then he asked us, at the end of the day…DO YOU HAND AROUND WITH JESUS?

OMG! (Oh, My Gulay!)

I was shocked. I am guilty.

I love God. I want to have a deeper relationship with Him and a stronger foundation. Going to church, serving at church, singing praises, meeting with my small group (Bible Study Group) will not provide me a deeper relationship with Him and a stronger foundation. It is through His words which are written in the Bible and doing what you had read/heard.

Right then and there, I told myself that I will do it, Lord. I love you and I want you to be in my life, 24/7. If I am able to commit my time on other worldly things and desires, I know I could commit myself in spending time with You. At the end of the day, I am who I am because of the grace of God.

So, I had committed my last hour before retiring for the day for His Words. If I am not able to read the Bible because of too much exhaustion and I cannot control myself anymore not to sleep, I make sure I compensate by reading the next day in the morning.

There was a time that Bible Verse challenge became a trend in Facebook. Someone will nominate you to post your favorite Bible verse and then you will nominate your friends to do the same. It’s really nice to see my Christian friends, workmates, and friends posting their favorite Bible verses. But there’s something that is lingering in my mind while I read their posts. Has this person ever read the Bible? Well, who knows? Only God would know. Well, I hope they are or I hope they would do so.

One day I was with my small group leader and she told me that some people are hesitant to read the Bible or join a Bible Study group. It is because they would know the truth. They would know what is morally right and wrong. They would know what is pleasing and not to God. They would struggle – knowing the truth and doing it or not.

Well for me, I haven’t completely read the Bible and I am in progress of doing so. I am also a Christian in progress. I know I was a hypocrite Christian. A hypocrite Christian is someone who knows the truth and yet doesn’t do it.

At some point in my life, I did struggle so much on something. And that something is not hard to remove because it became a lifestyle. My mind and my heart don’t seem to cooperate much with God’s word. I asked the Holy Spirit that dwells in me to remove that something because me, myself cannot do it alone. And I am so glad that I am over with it now. It’s effortless. I am not struggling anymore. Thanks God for His grace.

So if you had read my blog until this part, I challenge you to read the Bible. Yes, it is not easy because the devil will love you to spend time more on worldly things instead of God’s Words. So take a big leap of faith, and just do it!

How I ended up travelling solo in Maldives

There’s no better way for me to start this blog than to write about my recent trip to the honeymooner’s paradise…MALDIVES

First of all, I am not here to brag about my trip to Maldives. I am just an average person with an extraordinary courage to share her life experiences thinking that one day someone will benefit or will be inspired by her posts.

So here goes my first blog….

A day before my 26^th birthday, I came back to UAE from a trip to Maldives. It maybe just one ordinary trip outside the country but this is something I would cherish my whole life.

Travelling alone as a single woman in a honeymooner's paradise is 

one of the bravest challenge I would be doing in my entire life. 

And also, one week from now, I'll be turning 26. 

Cheers to a more mature and more independent me. 

Post from my Instagram account few hours before my flight, August 2, 2014

So I went to Maldives alone. Others might think that I am lonely and depressed, or doesn’t have enough friends, doesn’t have family etc. But hey! I do have friends, a lot! And I have a very nice and loving family.And definitely I am not depressed! So why in the first place would I go solo?

Few months back, a close friend of mine and I purchased a package tour online. We got it on a pretty reasonable price. The package consists of 3 nights hotel stay with return flight and transfer. You can check their site and see the packages they’re offering, Holiday Factory

We are so excited of this trip that we even enrolled in a gym to shed a few pounds and took swimming lessons! Well, I am not a good swimmer unlike my friend. I don’t go far or dare myself to swim if my feet can’t touch the ground. I would also wear a life vest if I would want to swim in the middle of the ocean. I told myself, I need to enjoy this trip and I want to swim with the fishes and go snorkeling without a life vest.

It took me 4 sessions of swimming in the pool before I tried the open water. My ever kind and patient coach took me for open water swimming. He picked me up at 5:30 in a Saturday morning and we practice in an open beach here in Dubai. And oh my, the salt water did hurt my throat. I thought it would be easy now. Well, it’s a nice experience so that I know what I will face in Maldives. He also taught me some underwater swimming skills and how to dive with your snorkels still on your mouth. I conquered my fear of swimming beyond my height (like 20 feet deep) and got to touch a sea urchin, too!

A week before our flight, my friend and I did our shopping (I will later write a list of the must bring items). While at work preparing my handover (I will be gone for a week only :D), my friend asked me if we can postpone our trip. And I was like (in my mind only), are you kidding me?! After all those preparations and excitement you want to cancel our trip?! She told me that she needs to go home to Philippines due to a family matter…then, I was like…………totally

S-P-E-E-C-H-L-E-S-S

That day I feel like crying.  I cannot postpone my leave. I have planned for this leave since last year and I cannot go on the other days as well. My teammates are scheduled to leave on the coming weeks. There’s no way for me to cancel this leave and I had scheduled this trip a week before my birthday!

All those preparations and excitement were filled with ??? I don’t know if I will get angry or upset. I really don’t know how to react. I cannot concentrate with my work anymore. I feel so helpless. I don’t want to hurt her with my words so I chose not to talk to her about the matter until she had made her final decision. I again wanted to deactivate my Facebook account but I thought it’s very immature of me to do. So, I told her that if I didn’t see her at the airport then only I would know that she had decided not to come with me.

That night I went to see another good friend of mine and talked about the situation. Then, I did my usual late night walking listening to Christian songs. I told myself, am I being selfish? Yes, I am selfish because I am only thinking about my feelings, my comfort, my happiness, myself!  I even asked God why. Why did you let this happen? All these preparations and excitement will end up on me travelling alone. I am not prepared for this. Why on my birthday? Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I cannot blame my friend.

Nobody wants this to happen to us.

As I always tell myself, we cannot control the situation. 

We can only control our reactions.

I put myself in my friend’s situation. We are both in pain and upset, but I know it is more painful on her part. Yes, so damn painful and I am only aggravating her pain. I am a friend and I should understand and comfort her. I should not be thinking of myself only, my own happiness.

It’s close to midnight and I was still walking outside. I left messages in her Facebook. Don’t worry… Don’t worry, I will be fine alone. Don’t worry, Maldives is just there. Your family needs you more. Don’t worry about the money, we can always earn money…and she said, thank you.

From that moment, something dark and heavy escaped from my heart. All those worries and panting were gone. I was able to smile and breathe freely again.

Now that I had accepted wholeheartedly that I am travelling solo, I didn't tell my mom right away because I don’t want her to worry about me and get a heart attack. LOL. A day before my flight, I finally told her and good thing she was okay with it. No negative and worry reactions like she does most of the time. (peace ma :P)

Few hours before my flight, I was feeling both excited and nervous. I was like in mixed emotions, another friend of mine quoted that it feels like I’m getting married. I don’t know what will happen with me there. Will I end up eaten by a shark? Is it my fate to die in the ocean? I don’t know anyone in Maldives. Will I still enjoy this trip?

I am filled with questions in which I do not have the answers for. Worry is dominating my body again. So I just lift everything to God and I told Him, that I trust Him and He will not abandon me. I am her precious daughter and I know that He would not let anything bad happen to me.  I even asked my sister to pray for me. She told me that I don’t need one because I am already guided by God. Hmmmm… she’s right. I don’t need to worry. I don’t need to be afraid.

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in You."

 Psalms 56:3